Sunday, November 20, 2005

End of My Rope

It's only November 20, and already I am despodant. Some people have SAD (Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder), yet I am cursed with the antithisis Sunlight Affected Temper And Nurosis(SATAN). I get really angry after October 15th if it's Sunny for more than a day. So you can imagine what I must be like right now. OK for those that know me there is no imagining, actually I seem like I always do, but I know the difference damnit, and I am pissed. Heads must roll. To give you an idea of how bad it is, I have started checking for the 10 day forecast for Govy, just for any hope of an end this infernal sunshine. I k now! Come on who checks that drivel for forecasts, might as well read the farmers almanac!

It's also getting into my dreams. No shit, I am dead serious here, I had a dream that it rained even when the forcast called for sun, but no it rained, and in my dream I was frantically trying to find out if it was snowing on the mountain, but I wasn't near a computer, and both the Meadows sno fone and NOAA weather line were busy. I was going nuts. Damn, did I just share too much?

Well no rain today, and all there is to look forward to this week is some showers maybe on Friday with an 8000' snow level. Looks like next Monday, the 28th might have some precip, but it looks like it may be warm still. So I am thinking it is time we take matters into our own hands. Back in the day, when there was a drought or something people assumed that some god was pissed at them, and they needed to do something to make it right. The most powerful thing they could do to apepase their pagan god was human sacrifice. The general modus operandi was to feed some virgin to a Volcano or some prehistoric beast, such as King King, or the Kracken. Now we don't have a Kracken, but maybe we could pass Danimal off as King Kong, he's hairy enough, and looked to be getting big enough at the Pink Party (well, not tall enough, but he has the other dimensions down). But on second thought I couldn't do that to any Virgin, plus I don't know any Virgins, and if I did I wouldn't waste her on some sacrifice. What I think we need to do is sacrifice one of these damn wanna be weathermen who are obviously pissing off Snow Miser by thinking they can "predict" the weather. You know, give them the chance at some self realization of their prediciton of a "normal" winter. And I have the perfect plan. I just need a couple of accomplices, I mean fellow High Priests or Priestesses of Snow Miser. Here's the plan:

The Target: Who better than Matt Zaphino
The 411: Every thanksgiving Matt flaps his gums as the honorary turkey at the Turkey Trot at the Zoo. The race begins at 9:00am. All we need is a van, and three High Priests(esses), I will run behind Matt, and as we work our way down towards the Rose Garden, the van will be parked on the side of the road, as we approach, me and two of the Order of Snow Curmudgeon will grab and bag Matt into the van. Then we will drive him up to Timberline Lodge, where we will hijack a snow cat and drive up the mountain and sacrifice the infidel to Lord Snow Miser while singing his song:
Here Mister Snow Miser
Make it 20 below
Here Mister Snow Miser
Make it Snow Snow Snow
Here Mister Snow Miser
You're too much
Here Mister Snow Miser
He'll freeze with your touch!

Then we'll drive back to Portland have a big thanksgiving dinner, wax our boards and go spend the night in the Meadows lot and be the first one's there to ski the unexpected Blizzard of 2005!!!


So, who's in?


P.S. Is it illegal to plot to sacrifice someone on the internet? Just incase, everyone who reads this agrees to an oath of secrecy. Phew, I feel better now.